Saturday, July 25, 2009

Irony and Loss

When I was a teenager I was hugely into Alanis Morisette. I knew every lyric to every song and clung to them with teenage angst as if I could relate to every word - which of course I couldn't. I had little to no grasp on life at that point and no idea what was in store for me - positive and negative.

I've been at my job for the past year, a little longer that I've been blogging, and the fact that I chose to share my desk and workspace with you on Thursday has one part irony and one part comedic value.

On Friday I was informed that I am losing my job. Being laid off due to the economy.

This news coupled with my last blog post? I couldn't help but think of Alanis.

"An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day
It's a black fly in your Chardonnay
It's a death row pardon two minutes too late
And isn't it ironic... don't you think"

I'm not an idiot. I know what the economy is like. I'm a fundraiser for heavens sake, I know how hard it is for non-profits out there. I've seen friends lose their jobs all over the place. But it was still a huge shock when it happened to me.

I was told it wasn't my fault. I did everything right. I was the right fit for the organization. I did so much good for our mission and our kids. Yadda yadda yadda.

"It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought... it figures"

And I know, I KNOW it's not my fault. I know that this could be a blessing in disguise. I know we can financially make it through this. I know that I'm educated, intelligent, creative, and have good interview skills. I'm not worried about getting a new job.

But at the same time - how can I not worry? How can I not feel sad? How can I not feel like a failure? Like I'm expendable. Like I've been fired.

As I work through all of this - I go through ups and downs. At some points in the day I truly feel at peace. Comfortable that everything happens for a reason. Happy that I have the opportunity to pursue something different, to better myself, and to achieve more. At other points I feel like my life is in the shambles. Which it's not. I know that.

"Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
"Well isn't this nice..."
And isn't it ironic... don't you think"

Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling so sad. I have a beautiful home, wonderful husband, lovely kitties and puppy, great friends and family. No one is ill (well, Bella has an ear infection, but that's certainly not life-threatening) or dying, no one is losing their home, nothing is going on that can't be fixed.

I just feel like I gave so much, and I'm bitter that I'm not valued enough to be fought for.

"It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought... it figures"

So it seems that my blog post about my office was some kind of crazy foreshadowing that I didn't even know about. And that is ironic for sure. But what is even crazier is how true Alanis' lyrics are now. Now that I have mid-twenties' angst instead of teen angst. How appropriate...

"Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face"

And so it's time to move on.

I can't believe how many people care about me, and this situation. I've had upwards of 40 phonecalls, e-mails, texts, facebook messages, etc. since this all went down. Everytime I get another nice message it makes me cry again. I am so loved. I am so lucky. I have so much.

"A traffic jam when you're already late
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic...don't you think
A little too ironic...and, yeah, I really do think..."

"It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought... it figures"

So I go on with thanks. Thanks for those that love me and for those that have given me opportunity. And thanks to those who will continue to love me and those that will give me opportunity as I move forward in my career. And thanks to Alanis, because she's really quite profound. Isn't that ironic?

"Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out
Helping you out"


Erinn said...

I'm sorry about your loss, Joanne! Perhaps you will consider turning your fabulous craft blog into an online business. Your ideas are creative and wonderful! I read every post and I don't even like to craft. :-)

Cindy Bylsma said...

You do have much, but it's because you give much. We all know it, you've been there for each of us, in ups and downs, countless times. And now we can repay a small amount of what you share with us everyday. Love you.

AVinNYC said...

What a fantastic post about such a difficult time... I'm thinking of you!